Love is a Decision - Romance is a Mood

Raph's views on Love, Marriage, and Divorce

So many people confuse Love with Romance. Especially young people whose understanding of love is shaped by the lyrics of bubblegum pop music (not that I have anything against bubblegum pop music - I actually like it!).

When you think about it, a lot of people find their spouse in a similar city, or at least, similar part of the country. What makes this partner the ideal partner that caused you to fall in love and make the decision to 'have and to hold, for better or worse, until death do you part'? Is it because they were your "soul mate"? Was it because of your feelings of "love"?

My question then is, if it's because you "fell in love" with this person, what about the millions of people in other parts of the country you haven't met yet who could have potentially been a more perfect "soul mate"? Not to mention the hundreds of millions in other countries that may have possibly been a more compatible match? I mean if you fell in love with someone near your city whom you felt was perfect enough to marry, isn't there a high possiblity that you could have met so many people that would be more perfect somewhere else amonst the billions of people in the world?

Well yes, but you chose not to. You had romantic feelings for this person because they were attractive to you, or had something in common that got your attention or whatever it was in the first place. Doesn't matter - the bottom line is that you CHOSE to love them. We often describe it as "falling in love" because that choice of love is often an unpredictable consequence of a blossoming romance.

At any rate, love is a decision, even though it may have been initiated by romance.

I believe it's that understanding that makes marriages last because that too, is a decision. A marriage, like love, is a decision (just check the details of a typical wedding VOW), whilst a wedding, like a romantic mood, is only temporary. That's not to say you can't have your wedding cake and eat it too by having a romantic happily ever after (tip: simply practise appreciating each other more and more - a topic for another blogpost), but being able to differentiate the two will help you to understand that most wedding VOWS (once again, I emphasise the word "vow" - go Google-define it or something) are until "death do us part" - NOT until "inconvenience or lack of romance do us part".

Heck, look at the divorce rates, somewhere just over 50% worldwide! So is the wedding vow just meant to be romantic poetry you recite to your spouse to make it sound better when you're really having a trial marriage?

So, what happens and what do you do if you "stop loving your spouse"?

Then it may be time to DECIDE to love them again. That means remembering all the things that drew you together in the first place, and thinking in the best way possible to look forwards and visualise how you can be better to make things better. Avoid blame (no matter how wrong and irrational your partner is, even if it seems they might deserve it!) as that removes any power from you to make any positive changes, see the bigger picture and take it on yourself to make things better because that's what you want.

My traditional Chinese stepfather used to make a big deal of how pre-arranged marriages used to be so successful in the olden days. Divorce was unheard of. In today's day and age, the suffocating concept of a pre-arranged marriage is such a perceived abomination to our freedoms that we would find it hard to believe that such relationships can possibly work.

I agree with both angles.

Pre-arranged marriages worked (definition of "worked" being that there were no divorces) because for people in that era and culture, that was the accepted way of thinking, and divorce was not an option. People who married that way made the decision to either love their chosen spouse or put up with them till death did them part.

Now we have the freedom to choose our spouse, so why shouldn't that allow us to have more successful relationships?

It can. It's your decision.


-Raphael